Yellowbeard Dont Do That. Dont Do That Ever Again

Yellowbeard is a 1983 comedy flick starring Graham Chapman, forth with Peter Cook, Bernard McKenna and David Sherlock. Information technology was directed by Mel Damski, and was Marty Feldman's last film appearance. Other well known stars are Peter Boyle, Cheech and Chong, Eric Idle, John Cleese, Madeline Kahn, Kenneth Mars, James Mason, Spike Milligan, Nigel Planer ^note Neil in The Young Ones and David Bowie every bit the shark.

In the 17th century, the pirate Yellowbeard was incarcerated for 20 years for taxation evasion — apart from his years terrorizing the high seas. He survives the judgement without disclosing the whereabouts of his vast treasure ("...in spite of 20 years of rehabilitation. And torture."). The Purple Navy hatches a plot to increase his sentence by one hundred and forty years, knowing that he'll escape in a rage to fix out for his treasure. This he does, recruiting a motley coiffure of companions. He left a map of the treasure in the chimney of his married woman's pub, but she burned information technology — however, she besides had it tattooed on their son's head. Things go wrong when his quondam shipmate-turned-traitor Bosun Moon'due south press gangs take over their transport. With the head of the Hugger-mugger Service hot on their trail they eventually notice the isle, where a group of AWOL Castilian conquistadors have taken residence with their ill-gotten gains, and the battle for the treasure commences...

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Yellowbeard contains examples of:

• Advertised Extra: Beryl Reid gets prominent billing in the opening credits, but Lady Lambourn simply appears in two brief scenes.
• The Alcoholic: Lord Lambourn is scarcely seen without a canteen in hand.
• Angst? What Malaise?: Commented on In-Universe, as Troila is unconcerned about her father'south brutal violent death, saying her male parent had odd ideas near death and he's happier in the afterlife. It doesn't hurt that Troila is an farthermost Aureate Digger and she'due south only happy to exist with whomever inherited her father's wealth.
• Arc Words: "United states Yellowbeards are never more dangerous than when we're dead!"
• Aren't Y'all Going to Ravish Me?: Betty is most indignant when Yellowbeard bursts into her bedroom and starts hacking a pigsty in the wall instead of raping her (or "giving her a cuddle", every bit she refers to it).

  Yellowbeard: I 'aven't got time for that now!

• An Arm and a Leg: Moon loses his left hand when Yellowbeard slams the chest lid down on it. He later on replaces it with a Hook Manus.
• Arson, Murder, and Jaywalking: The eponymous pirate has committed a long listing of heinous crimes, but he was finally convicted for revenue enhancement evasion.
• Bad "Bad Acting": When El Nebuloso's fort is attacked by the pirates, he orders his forces to pretend to be defeated to lure the pirate leader to him. They accomplish this by collapsing equally if shot whenever someone fires, regardless of whether the gun was pointed anywhere near them. (Unfortunately for some soldiers, Yellowbeard doesn't give them time to play expressionless.)
• Bilingual Bonus: "Nebuloso" means hazy in Castilian. "Segundo" means second.
• Black Comedy Rape: Betty and Yellowbeard'southward human relationship seems to thrive on this, which is good because Yellowbeard loves rape.

  Betty: Practice you remember before you were arrested we were having a cuddle?

  Yellowbeard: I was raping ya, if that's what you mean.

  Betty: Alright, sort of was half-cuddle, one-half-rape.

• Blind People Clothing Sunglasses: When Commander Clement first meets Harvey "Blind" Pew, Pew is wearing dark glasses. When Cloudless sees the glasses Pew is wearing, he immediately realizes that Pew is blind.
• Bodybag Trick: Yellowbeard escapes from prison by hiding in a coffin.
• Buxom Is Better: Centre-aged Lady Lambourn's curtsy gives Yellowbeard a long look at her breasts, enticing him to ravish her in the shrubbery. She doesn't seem to mind, nevertheless.
• Can't Go Abroad with Nuthin': Betty (Madeline Kahn) tells her son Dan (Martin Hewitt):

  "The last time I read a volume, I was raped — allow that be a lesson to you."

• Helm Colorbeard: Yellowbeard's addiction of putting fuses in his bristles makes him an Expy of Blackbeard.
• Cardboard Prison: Information technology'due south unsaid that Yellowbeard could take left prison any time he wanted to, but he honorably served his jail time - and was insulted by the capricious lengthening of his sentence.

  Yellowbeard: They broke their sacred promise!

• Chronic Backstabbing Disorder:
  • Apparently, every Yellowbeard betrays and kills their father. Even so, Death Is Cheap, also.
  • Moon has a nasty habit of betraying his captains; in the moving-picture show, he betrays three (Yellowbeard, Hughes, Dan.)
• Coin-on-a-String Trick: Subverted in that the idiot sidekick gives Pew all of his money dorsum and and then some, mocking "Hah!"
• Cold-Blooded Torture: Verdugo, El Nebuloso's torturer, has invented a torture chair that breaks every bone in the body. Naturally, Bad Boss El Nebuloso wants him to demonstrate it on himself.

  Verdugo: (after having been in the chair a LONG time) Oh, my head. And my foot and my back. Monday Dieu, it works!

• Crosscast Role: Queen Anne is played by Peter Bull (whom well-nigh viewers would know from Dr. Strangelove, in which he played the Soviet ambassador).
• Cut Himself Shaving: A bar fight with Bullheaded Pew leaves the entire tavern littered with corpses.

  Clement: What happened?
  Betty: Plague!
  Clement: Plague?
  Betty: All sudden like! Lucky I was out.
  Cloudless: That man's got a sword in him!
  Betty: He fell on information technology.

• Cutlass Between the Teeth: Moon has a knife clutched between his teeth when he clambers on board the Spanish galleon.
• Daddy'southward Little Villain: Triola, daughter of the greedy religious leader El Nebuloso.
• Death Is Dramatic: El Segundo, after telling his men their death acting was horrible, accidentally gets stabbed by Lambourn, and proceeds to ham information technology upwardly equally he dies (though not acting).
• Deliberate Values Dissonance: Much of the film's humor. For example, the Helm tells his crew that women being on board a sailing send is bad luck, and it's a scientific fact.
• Disabled Badass: When Blind Pew extinguishes the lights, he's deadly with his sword, killing an entire barroom of thugs.
• Bearded in Elevate: Gilbert tails Dan, Lord Lambourn and Dr. Gilpin through Portsmouth disguised (somewhat unconvincingly) every bit a prostitute.
• The Dung Ages: Literally, with a daughter throwing shit in people's faces if they don't requite her money. Lambourn gives her a little payback.

  Lady Lambourn: Stop that homo pissin' on the 'edge!

• Enemy Eats Your Lunch: Yellowbeard has a habit of snatching food off people he is passing and eating it.
• Everything's Even Worse with Sharks: Played with when Betty is taken convict by the Imperial Navy and pumped for information offscreen. When she'southward ready to talk, she says, "I recollect it was that shark that jogged my retentivity." "The Shark" is the handsome sailor (David Bowie) who brings her into the function, and who has a shark's fin strapped to his back; he "jogged her memory" via sex.
• Simulated-Out Make-Out: When the protagonists walk through Portsmouth, ii people kissing each other turn out to be the villains Mr. Moon and Gilbert, with Gilbert dressed as a adult female.
• Felony Misdemeanor: The penalization for chuckling at the Paper-Thin Disguise of Sweet Polly Oliver "Mr. Prostitute"? Having your foot nailed to the hull.
• Fast-Roping: Almost the end of the moving-picture show Yellowbeard, his son Dan and Lord Lambourn swing through the windows on a British frigate to capture the captain and the ship.
• Genius Bruiser: Yellowbeard may be Book Dumb (and peradventure non fifty-fifty that), but he'southward fairly intelligent and clever.
• Girls with Moustaches: "Mr. Prostitute" is obviously a adult female wearing a false moustache.
• A God Am I: El Nebuloso. He even points to himself when maxim everyone must serve God.
• Gold Digger: Triola, and Dan doesn't seem to care.
• Gorn: Albeit of the over-the-superlative Monty Python'south Flight Circus variety.
• Handicapped Badass: Blind Pew's capable of taking out an entire tavern full of unsavory types, once he'due south had the shutters airtight and the lights doused.
• Hidden Depths: Lord Lambourn might exist The Stoner and a bit of The Alcoholic, but he's been a fine Parental Substitute for Dan.
• Historical In-Joke: Yellowbeard'south "revenue enhancement evasion" sentence is a reference to Al Capone.
• Hollywood Acid: The torture chair in El Nebuloso's dungeon is surrounded by a moat of acrid that instantaneously dissolves flesh and os.
• Hook Mitt: Moon loses his left hand when Yellowbeard slams the lid of a treasure chest on information technology. He has it replaced with a hook.
• Human being Notepad: Dan, the son of Yellowbeard, has a treasure-map tattooed on his caput.
• Hypercompetent Sidekick: Queen Anne has a female counselor who makes all of her decisions, simply because Queen Anne is a consummate idiot, thinking her admiral is a beekeeper.
• I am a Humanitarian: Yellowbeard, at to the lowest degree when trying to get rid of maps.

  Yellowbeard: I'll swallow it [Dan'due south caput] before I let them have information technology! Wouldn't be the first head I've eaten!

• Implausible Fencing Powers: Despite existence blind, Pew is able to extinguish a candle flame with one precise strike of his Sword Pikestaff.
• Insistent Terminology: "Rape" seems to but mean "rough sexual practice" in the flick.
• I Surrender, Suckers: El Nebuloso pretends to surrender and acts similar he'due south going to free Dan from the torture device. In one case he's close to Dan, he uses him as a earnest.
• Justice by Other Legal Means: The narrator at the beginning, afterward giving a laundry list of the title character's atrocities, including tearing men's hearts out and swallowing them whole, and "Frequently forcing men to eat their ain lips, he was eventually caught and imprisoned...for tax evasion."
• Large Ham: Invoked by El Segundo, who chastises his men for making their deaths look faux by existence also hammy. He immediately gets a mortal wound, and his real death is and so hamtastic information technology makes Paul Reuben's death in Buffy the Vampire Slayer serenity and reserved in comparing. His men applaud his "acting".
• Longer-Than-Life Judgement: The impetus of the story is the fact the Purple Navy wanted to increase his sentence of 140 years so that he escapes and recovers his treasure.
• Made of Iron: Yellowbeard. He treats getting pounded on the back with a order every bit a tap on his shoulder.
• The Mole: Gilbert is Captain Moon'due south acquaintance who keeps an middle on Yellowbeard, trying to get him to admit the location of the treasure.
• Mugged for Disguise: Mr. Moon knocks out the boatswain's mate leading a press gang, dons his uniform and takes his place.
• The Mutiny: Having stacked the crew with his own ring of cutthroats, Mr. Moon leads a wildcat against Captain Hughes and seizes control of the Lady Edith: setting Hughes and the other officers adrift in a longboat.
• My Death Is Just the Starting time: "Usa Yellowbeards are never more dangerous than when we're dead!"
• Nice Chapeau: El Nebuloso wears a snake hat that is around ii feet tall and three feet long.
• Non-So-Harmless Villain: Dan, and Yellowbeard can't exist more than pleased when Dan "betrays" him.
• Papa Wolf:
  • Yellowbeard; As much every bit he dislikes Dan for non existence a blackness-hearted pirate similar him, he always comes to Dan's aid when his son needs him the most. Indeed, trying to kill Dan usually ends in death at Yellowbeard's easily, only enquire Mr. Well-baked and El Nebuloso.
  • Lord Lambourn is another example when he delivered some sweetness karma to a bratty beggar daughter who threw crap in Dan'due south confront.

    Lambourn: (after kicking the girl into a pile of shit) A skilful big 1 will ever beat a rotten little one.

• Paper-Thin Disguise:

  Dr. Gilpin: And that's Dr. Anthrax.

  Betty: That's Yellowbeard.

  Yellowbeard: I'm in disguise, y'all stupid tart!

  • As well, Mr. Prostitute.
  • Lampshaded in one scene.

    Captain Hughes: What's that?

    Mr. Crisp: Oh, that's my box, sir.

    Helm Hughes: No, carrying your box.

    Mr. Well-baked: Oh, Cabin Boy Smith, sir.

    Captain Hughes: Smith has tits.

    Mr. Crisp: He'due south been a bit ill, sir.

    Captain Hughes: Become her off!

  • During The Mutiny scene, Moon is calling for who should become captain. Secretly, he wants Dan to be captain considering he thinks Dan knows where the treasure is hidden. And then, he has Gilbert step frontwards to suggest Dan, Gilbert then puts on a dissimilar hat and steps around 1 pirate to suggest Dan over again, and again.
• Parental Substitute: Lord Lambourn helped Betty heighten Dan, and given what a good-hearted person Dan is along with Dan's own words, Lambourn was quite a skillful parental figure for him.
• Pinkish Elephants: Lord Lambourn is such an alcoholic that he is willing to dismiss the strange things he happens to run across every bit alcohol-induced hallucinations.
• Pirate: Yellowbeard is the most feared pirated to have e'er sailed the seas.
• Dial! Punch! Punch! Uh Oh...:
  • Yellowbeard is in a British prison and 1 of the guards attempts to discipline him by beating him with a stout wooden rod. Yellowbeard doesn't notice.
  • Dan smashes a butt over Mr. Crisp's head. Mr. Crisp doesn't notice.
• Reading the Stage Directions Out Loud: Flunkie announces Commander Clement at Queen Anne's court by reading from the guest list:

  "Commander of Her Majesty's Secret Service! Do non read this part out loud!"

• 2nd-Face up Smoke: Mr. Pew has smoke blown in his confront, but he coughs in an extremely dignified style twice earlier standing equally earlier.
• Self-Penalty Over Failure: When El Segundo makes a mistake when talking to his Bad Boss El Nebuloso, he begins hitting his head against an object in the hope that El Nebuloso won't impale him. El Nebuloso and so asks him what he's doing.
• Sex God: Fifty-fifty if it is rape, Yellowbeard is almost certainly this when you consider none of the various women he rapes get mad at him for it. Plus if the sounds they make are any indication, they actually seem to enjoy information technology. Indeed, Betty enjoyed the outset time he raped her and so much that when Yellowbeard came into her room to become his treasure map, she was disappointed when he says he doesn't take time for that at present.
• Shiny New Australia: Betty wants to buy Denmark with her share of the treasure.
• Shout-Out: To Treasure Isle. The good-hearted swain whose mother runs a tavern taking a noble and a doctor to search for buried treasure on a ship that undergoes a wildcat from the sometime crewmen of the pirate captain who cached the aforesaid treasure might be a coincidence, if not for the presence of Handicapped Badass Blind Pew.
• Stiff Upper Lip: A chunk of the humor comes from the contrast between nobility and the pirates. When Yellowbeard roughly grabs very distinguished Lady Lambourne to have sex in shrubbery, she manages to say, "Alibi me, I seem to have an appointment with this admirer!"
• Smoking Hot Sex: When Mr. Crisp enters Captain Hughes' cabin, he finds the captain and Mr. Prostitute (very obviously a adult female disguised every bit a man) sprawled on the helm'southward bed in a state of undress. Mr. Prostitute is languidly smoking a cigar.
• And so Proud of You: Yellowbeard does finally express pride and stresses that Dan is his son... when Dan stabs Yellowbeard "as I stabbed my father before me!" Of course, equally a Yellowbeard is never more dangerous than when they're dead, this doesn't slow anyone down.
• The Stoner: Lord Lambourn. In keeping with the times, he'southward fond to snuff.
• Super Senses: Blind Pew's "astute 'earing" lets him tell what kind of clothes a human being was wearing.
• Suspiciously Specific Denial:

  Betty: You're all going later on the treasure!

  The men: No!

  Lord Lambourn: Uh, botanical...

  Yellowbeard: Killing plants!

• Sweet Polly Oliver: Spoofed. One of the transport's officers is named "Mr. Prostitute" and is an obvious adult female with a fake mustache.
• Sword Pikestaff: Bullheaded Pew'southward white stick conceals a sword blade that he wields with devastating efficiency.
• Tap on the Caput: While Dan, Lord Lambourn and Dr. Gilpin are in Portsmouth, three members of a press gang knock them on the caput with clubs and render them unconscious so they can exist kidnapped.
• A Taste of the Lash: Parodied, of course. The prison guard whips Yellowbeard to go his attention - Yellowbeard treats information technology similar the guard was tapping him on the shoulder.
• Took a Level in Badass
  • Dan finally learns what it means to exist a Yellowbeard. "Us Yellowbeards are never more dangerous than when we're dead!"
  • Even foppish stoner Lord Lambourn gets off a adept, "Arrrrrrrrrrrr."
• Treasure Map: On Dan's head. Yellowbeard wants to chop it off, just Dan convinces him to keep him alive and help observe the treasure.
• Unusually Uninteresting Sight: Yellowbeard grabbing Lady Lambourne and ravishing her in the bushes gets a mild reaction from her husband and her friend.

  Tarbuck: He seems to accept taken quite a smoothen to Lady L.
  Lambourne: Yes. Non many people exercise, you know. But when they exercise, they do. And when she does, she does!

• Unwilling Suspension: Following The Mutiny atomic number 82 by Mr. Moon, Captain Hughes has a rope wrapped around his legs and is hoist into the rigging.
• Upper-Course Twit: Lord Lambourn
• "Well Done, Son!" Guy: Dan and Yellowbeard, oh so much.

  Yellowbeard: Oh, been out raping, lad? (sees Troila) Squeamish work lad.

  Dan: No, I oasis't raped her!

  Yellowbeard: (disappointed) No, you wouldn't have you lot poncy footling git! You're not the prawn of my loins, your mother's a bloody liar! (grins) That's what I liked near her!

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Source: https://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Film/Yellowbeard

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